Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Are you there God? It's me, Ila.

Last week, has been so tricky that I can't help but turn to God (if He exists).

Let's face it, You and I both know that I have always believed in you. I know you have forgiven me a number of times for not being as spiritual as I should be. Some people go looking for you in the Temple, Mosque, Gurudwara, Church, etc. but I seldom go to such places. I just believe in talking to you in my own head rather than visiting such places and seeing a lot more sufferers like me. I have always preferred to find you in the simplicity, beauty, and magic of nature amongst the birds, and flowers, the ocean, blue skies, vibrant sunrise and sunsets, the rain, and in me.

I am not too sure if you are aware, but I always prayed to you every night when everyone has slept at home, and there is silence. So that you can hear me better. And I have been saying the same prayer over the years with some additions to it until last week when I stopped. I never explained though that why I closed the doors of communication and I never apologised for it either. Now, I think I probably should have. But the past one week was spent in crying at night for some vague reasons that I can't even remember now. Also, I suppose that I felt that somewhere down the lines that same prayer was falling on deaf ears, or perhaps, you were getting tired of my same old song and dance. I don't know why I suddenly stopped, but I felt that I shouldn't waste anymore of your valuable time on my trivial thoughts.

You know what I always thought that you were amazing. I mean look at the wonderful colours of the world, they are so breath taking that as I sit here, I cannot even imagine the amount of work it took to create the intricacies of such striking things like the wings of a butterfly, or the stunning beauty of a hummingbird or how the sky at night can go from a soft blue to a hot pink and then burn into an outrageous orange. I am sure that you know that I have always stopped and looked around, observed and appreciated the appealing splendour of nature. Being a lover of art, I have to say that stepping out of my home everyday, I get to view the most spectacular hand painted canvas ever and that too for free. Thank you so much for that.

I do my best to pay homage to you in my own eccentric way. I have tried to be kind and understanding every single moment I have been alive, I try to help whenever I can, and I try to bring happiness to others as often as possible. But, I have to tell you God, I am failing.

This pain I live with is becoming increasingly unbearable and there are days when I wonder if I will be able to keep going. I spend an inordinate amount of time wondering if I am being punished for some past life deeds, or that perhaps, I angered you or maybe this is my fate in this lifetime and this has become my retribution of some sorts. Everybody says you are a forgiving God, so I am hoping the latter statement is not true. But if it is, I have to say that whatever I have done, I am really very sorry.

Listen, I know you are busy, but I am wondering, could you please tell me if this is really how I am going to spend the rest of my life? In this unyielding, agonizing pain because I don't think I can go on much longer. You see, I am tired. I am tired of the throbbing, aching, sharp pains. I am tired of popping pills, using ice packs, pain sprays and heating pads. I am tired of therapy treatments and the regular doctor's appointments. I am tired of getting up in the morning and seeing if this will be the day I can actually go and have some fun, and find out nope it's another one of "those days". I am tired of red swollen and stiff joints. I am tired of no sleep and exhausting days with no one to understand me. I am tired of being a failure in love, that too so many times now. I am tired God. I am so very tired.

Oh I know, there are far worse people out there than me, and you know I say that every day when I get out of bed and can barely walk. It keeps me going, knowing that I am not the only one suffering and how sad is that! And I am so aware of the fact that this world is going to be like a waste wrapped in a hand basket, and that you are tired too of handling this basket full of crap. The ignorance and destruction from mankind is astonishing indeed. I am completely surprised you haven't thrown your arms up in the air and walked away from us all, so far. If it was me, I would have done so a long time ago. I guess that's the difference between you and me.

But I wonder God, do you have any time for me?

Can you make me feel a tad bit better, just a wee bit?

Can you give me just some moments where I am pain free and can enjoy life?

Can you make me feel loved? Or am I incapable of falling in love? Am I so difficult to be loved?

Can you please help me see a way out of this mess?

Can you hold my hand and stay forever?

Can you?

Hey God, are you there?

It's just me, Ila.

And I promise to always listen to you if only you can take away some of my pain. I am feeling so hurt. I promise to speak to you always and forever. And forever is just the beginning. And you know you love me. So, with all the faith collected in my heart over the years, I look at the sky to hear from you at last. Will the sky answer? xoxo

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