Thursday, June 16, 2011


March 1
I started the day with my Smartu. He was sleeping just beside me. We enjoyed very cosy moments together. We did not sleep almost the whole night. I mean the whole night. I feel great and it’s all new to me. Now I’m not just Sweety, but Mr Sikandar Abhijeeth’s wife. I accept this position with dignity, love and respect, because I love and respect him a lot.
March 2
As promised, I kissed my Smartu on his lips last night. O My God! With this kiss, mene apna Smartu ko aur zyda apnaya and he became mine today. It was our first intimate physical moment and everything went easily. Tomorrow is my vidai and I will leave my house permanently with my Mikkuji. I have a little fear, but am very excited as well. I am very excited to be going to my new house. You will be there with me always, my diary.
March 3
Today is my Smartu’s birthday and I was the first to wish him. Now I’m the bahu of Flat No. 194. I cried a lot at the time of vidai. We celebrated his birthday.
March 4
Nowadays, morning wishes are not messages, but lovely kisses. Everything is going well and I’m feeling happy. My sasural love me lot.
March 5
Today was the reception and it went off well.
March 8
Pappaji and Mummiji are very angry with my parents because my parents have not given them the money to buy a car and the furniture. What can my parents do? They don’t have any money left. I had told Papa I would not get married so soon as we did not have the money. No one listened to me.
March 9
Mummiji took me to the market to buy clothes. She felt that my Papa had not given me good clothes at the time of marriage. I felt bad to be buying new clothes with Mummiji’s money, but still I bought a few clothes. I was angry with my mother as she did not give me good clothes. Tomorrow, I am going to Bangalore with my Mikkuji and after a few days we will leave for our honeymoon to the north-east.
March 11
On the 10th, we reached Bangalore and I felt happy to see my new house. We attended the wedding of Mikkuji’s friend. Many people told me that I looked very nice. Mikku also complimented me. Everything is going well, except for one thing. Deep down inside it hurts me that Mikku and his girlfriend Ramya’s relationship is slowly becoming deeper and stronger.  I really don’t know what do and with whom to share my feelings. On the first day we entered the house in Bangalore, Mikkuji told me that I should not use the bed in the house. He said I should not sleep on it, as he had purchased it for Ramya. Everyone knew about his girlfriend, but I did not know because I was madly in love with him. No one told me about this. Even my parents were more bothered about fulfilling their responsibility and did not think of the kind of person I was marrying. I have been blessed, but I’m not fully happy. I cried a lot as my Papa and mother did not even come to say bye when I was leaving. Now, I don’t want to talk to anyone and I’m heading towards depression. There is no one who understands my feelings, my situation or my silence. If I tell anyone about this, it is like I’m killing myself. All my dreams are gone. This artificial smile is for others. No one knows what is going on inside me.
March 12Mikkuji and I shopped for things for the house. We ordered a new bed and they told us that they will deliver it coming Thursday. Till that day, I should sleep on the carpet as the bed in the house is Ramya’s. We have not gone for our honeymoon nor are we thinking of it. I feel that we will never go on a honeymoon. And I feel Mikku doesn’t want to go with me.
March 13
In the evening, he took me to Chairman’s Club and there he forced me to have a small shot of vodka.
March 18
The way Mummiji treats me is getting worse by the day. I do not understand why she is behaving like this. Today, the new bed was delivered. Mikku took me out, but somehow, I think he was only trying to placate me. Ramya is always in his heart. She has been there from the beginning. Each time he tries to get close to me, we only get further apart. I can only watch him drift away from me. I feel I made a big mistake by marrying him. Neither of us are happy in this marriage.
March 20
We went for long drive to Tumkur. Today is Holi and I called Mummyji to wish her. She spoke properly to me. My first Holi was a crime. All thanks to Papa as he did not bother to check to whom he was giving his daughter. I have a husband in name only. His soul and body belongs to someone else. There is no place for me in his heart and life. Mummyji warned me that if I could not keep her son happy, he would leave me and go away. Imagine! She is warning a girl who is just married. How can I deal with this behaviour? I feel sad and lonely. After all this, I wiped my tears and prepared lunch (rosagulla, mutton, dahi vada).
March 21
This has been a bad day. I do not even know why. I don’t know what Mikkuji told his mother this morning. She called me and scolded me a lot. She asked me if I was a woman. I said ‘yes’ and she asked me why her son felt I was always distant and aloof. Imagine! Doesn’t she know why her son feels like that? Mikku only stays with me, but his heart and soul is with his honey. He does not hear my voice and he does not even look at me. I have tried to make him love me and feel my presence, but it hasn’t worked. Perhaps it’s my mistake. When he told me that he once had a girlfriend, I should have said no to this marriage. I don’t know why I agreed. I should have told my Papa all this at that time. I have destroyed both Mikku’s life and mine. Now I don’t know what will happen and what turn my life will take. How long should I tolerate this? Mummiji abuses me about many things now. I have decided that I will not ask anyone for anything anymore.
March 24Now, I have a smile on my face. To make me happy, Smartu has finalised our honeymoon. Tomorrow we leave for Ooty and Kodikanal for five days. But the tensions and problems are still there. But I don’t care about these damn problems. To hell with it. I have decided to live my life the way I used to live it... with no boundaries and no mental pressure.
March 30
We returned from the trip. It was ok. Smartu tried to behave normally with me, but he was not his usual self and I can feel what is going on in his mind. He is trying to make me feel that he is doing a lot for me by accepting me and our relationship. But who cares about me? I did not expect these complications after marriage. The tension is killing me. Mummiji says she is punishing herself as she has spoilt her son’s life through this marriage. She says Mikku sacrificed his love life just for her happiness. Why is she feeling all this now? Why didn’t she think of this before our marriage? They are all thinking about themselves, but no one is bothered about how I feel. What wrong have I done? Anyway, I enjoyed the trip because I love travelling. We went boating and visited some lovely places.
March 31
I love cricket and today was India-Pakistan semi-final in World Cup 2011. We defeated Pakistan and we are in the finals against Sri Lanka on Saturday. Rest is ok.

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