Thursday, June 16, 2011


April 2
Yiiipppyy….. India have won the World Cup. What an awesome match it was. It filled me with excitement. All Indians worship cricket and our players proved that they are gods of cricket. They have brought back the World Cup after 23 long years. It is a great day for all Indians. Smartu is totally drunk and it is 1.00 am in the night and he is out of home. I think I my entire life will be like this only.
April 12
How are you my dear diary? Apologies for not contacting you for such a long time. A number of incidents have happened in my life in the last few days. You are my best friend who is always there to listen to me when I’m sad and lonely. So I feel relaxed whenever I talk to you. I thank you for your support. Now I’m fighting with own emotions. I’m all alone now and I feel I need somebody with whom I can share my feelings. Mikku, my Smartu, whom I loved, married and shared my life, all of it has gone waste. I know now that all the dreams I had of staying with him for the rest of my life are shattered. They were broken by God. I am unable to make him happy and it is a shameful thing for any wife. Sometimes I think I should end my life, but this is not a solution to my problems. I don’t know what to do and how to gain a place my husband’s heart. Whenever I see some other happy couple, I feel low. I think how lucky they are and how unlucky I am. This pain is unbearable. I told my parents and brother about Mikku’s affair with Ramya. They were shocked to hear this. They could not believe it. But they have to face this reality and they should know that their daughter has a short life left. Mikku is going to end our relationship in June and he is very serious about it. He plans to settle in Dubai for the rest of his life and for him June is the end of our relationship. He is going to marry Ramya, his love. I never thought that this would be the end of my life.

All the smiles and happiness have disappeared and there is only pressure, tension and sorrow left. My Papa knows that his beloved daughter is in deep pain. He blames himself for this mess. There’s no charm for Smartu in this marriage and he just wants to be free from jail.

This marriage is a punishment for him. No one — not my Papa, mother, Mikku nor his parents – none of them realise that they are punishing only me. Do you know dairy, Mummiji wanted Mikku to marry me because they wanted a cook – Sweety, the cook. Did he not understand my love for him? Did he not see it in my eyes? He only wants my body. Does he not understand my feelings towards him? Will I ever get him to love me? If he doesn’t value our relationship will he leave me forever in June? All these questions go around in my head and I cannot even sleep. Papa had spent Rs 18,00,000 (18 lakh) on my marriage, and is this the end of it? All of them are thinking only about themselves. Mikku’s parents say they did not get a good dowry, TV, A/C, dining set, fridge etc and so they are not happy. Mikku didn’t get his love, so he is not happy. Papa had spent lakhs and not even he is happy now. But what about me and what should I do now?

Mikku now thinks he is already married to Ramya. He married me only because he wanted to keep his parents happy. Mikku loses nothing from this marriage. I’m the only one who is losing my life. My relationship, all my expectations, emotions, and feelings, have gone and there is nobody to give them back to me. I hate this world. Mikku does not even speak to me now. He just answers ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to my questions. Even physically I’m useless to him.

I can’t take all this pain. I can end my life, but I want to see what chances life gives me. I feel good sharing all these things with you dairy. Thanks for listening to me patiently. Every moment I think about doing the things Mikku likes. Why does he not feel anything towards me? Why? Why? I think I am a burden to everyone. No one sees the sorrow I’m feeling. What should I do? Where should I go once Mikku leaves me in June forever?
April 13
There is no charm in life as usual today. I have never lived my life like this. Asti was a name which meant fun, excitement, and happiness. I had the capacity to bring a smile to everyone’s face. Look what has happened to me now. There is no happiness left in life. I want to run away from this unsuccessful life. I feel guilty about my parents and brother. They had expected many more from this marriage. They thought they fulfilled their responsibility. They fixed this marriage with this guy who was my SMARTU, but there is no charm left in this relationship. O God, please save me. Give me strength. Give me a solutions or kill me . Please God save me… Save me… Save me.
April 22
Life is moving at normal speed. Nothing has changed. I never expected life after marriage will become like this. I was a fool who only thought about romance and good things about married life. Things have changed and I only see a big dark hole in front my eyes. Mummiji asked me if I am happy? I said ‘yes’. She told me that I will be happy as I have got all the material things in life. She told me her son was not happy. My unhappiness and sorrow means nothing to her. She doesn’t want to really know whether I’m happy or not. Mikkuji is not bothered about what I feel and he does not even think about me. I don’t want to trouble my parents, so I haven’t told them everything. With whom can I share my feelings? You are the only friend I can share my feelings with. I’m crying now. Yesterday also I cried a lot.
April 24
I’m as usual not happy with life. Today, I did a pregnancy test and it came back negative. There is nothing good that is happening to me. I’m not sure whether to feel sad or not with the result of the test. Mikku looks happy as he has no responsibility to fulfil. He is very happy in his own world with Ramya.

The so-called deadline to end the relationship is June 17. I don’t know how to tell my parents and it’s a waste of time to tell Mummiji. She will not understand my problems and feelings. Now you help me God. I have managed to stop my tears. I’m begging you please show me a way to clear my problems. Every day I cry in front of you God. Please show me the way.
April 26
Diary, today everything went out my hands. Today, I feel I am the poorest and unluckiest girl in this world. I lost my husband completely today. I hoped it would not happen, but it has happened. Today he slept alone in another room and left me alone. Why did this have to happen to me?  Is it my mistake to have consented to a marriage which papa fixed? Yes, I think this is the mistake and I’m being punished. I feel I should end my life. The one I married never loved me and today even our beds have been separated. There is nothing left between us. I don’t know how much I will cry today. I will not able to sleep. I’m not even doing anything to end these problems. I will try and do something. At least I know that if I fail, I can at least end my life. I love Mikku a lot. I don’t know when he will understand my love for him.
April 29
Nothing good is happening in my life. I feel like tying a black cloth over my eyes and sleeping every moment. Today Mikku told me to go out of his life forever. He told me that I didn’t deserve him. Marrying me was one big mistake he made in his life.  I close for today now. I don’t even feel like crying.

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